Chapter 4: Lilacs Once More

Finally, the bell rang and class was over. I escaped from that place where I had lost all dignity.

Along the way, I passed many students hurrying between classrooms with their books in hand. I didn't greet anyone, just kept my head down and returned to my own classroom.

This period happened to be a rare self-study session. I put down my books and lay down on my desk.

In a senior classroom, when class ends, some people go out for a walk, others continue working through practice problems. Of course, there are also those who use the brief ten minutes to rest with their heads on their desks.

So I lay my head on my arms, letting my tears soak into my sleeve. No one would notice, would they?

Though it was already June, the weather was not yet too warm. I wore my long-sleeved school uniform, and in no time, my sleeve was drenched with tears.

Was I feeling wronged? Yes. But more than that, I was disappointed in myself...

Was it the unwillingness to accept my fall from the pedestal? No, even when my grades were excellent, I knew there were always people better than me, always higher mountains to climb. I had never been arrogant.

Was the math teacher too harsh? No, I had heard worse criticisms before, the kind that leave you nowhere to hide. Compared to those, my math teacher was still gentle.

Then what was it?

It was a sense of helplessness, the painful struggle after falling into the dust, and the frustration of being unable to change anything...

After the entrance exams, learning that I could attend the only provincial key high school in the city brought me nothing but joy.

Because the school was far from home, I spent the entire summer vacation diligently practicing how to ride a bicycle, just to make the commute easier.

Finally, the first day of school arrived. Looking at the campus awash in lilacs, I thought to myself, how beautiful it all was!

But who could have imagined that now, the campus remained as picturesque as ever, the lilacs outside the window still in full bloom, yet my state of mind had changed so utterly?

"What's wrong?" Suddenly, I heard my deskmate, Cui Ling, speak beside me.

I hurriedly lifted my head, pretending I had just woken up. "I actually fell asleep," I said.

Cui Ling looked at me, a little puzzled. "I thought something was wrong. Class has already started. You never sleep in class."

I covered up my feelings. "Maybe I was just too tired and dozed off. I didn't hear the bell."

Cui Ling was a bit thick-skinned; she believed me and didn't ask any more questions.

I sighed inwardly.

Both sleeves were soaked through, but luckily the uniform was a dark color, so it wasn’t obvious.

Cui Ling was already working on her math homework. Unlike me, she was very good at math. Whenever she had time, she would help explain problems to me.

She was short, a bit chubby, with short hair and big, round eyes. Her cheeks were always rosy.

Cui Ling loved to laugh, always covering her mouth when she did, her eyes crinkling with joy.

I envied her—her optimism, her cheerfulness, and, most importantly, her skill in math. If only I could have just a fraction of her mathematical mind.

I was the kind of student who needed the teacher to explain every step for me to understand. High school math was difficult enough, and paired with Mr. Fan's abstract teaching style, I was utterly lost.

Perhaps it wasn't Mr. Fan’s fault. Maybe I just wasn't smart enough, didn’t have a mathematical mind; maybe I didn’t work hard enough, never burning the midnight oil; maybe I was too rigid, spending all my time finishing the worksheets teachers handed out, repeating the same problems over and over—only mastering what I already knew, never learning what I didn’t.

But with only a month left before the college entrance exam, what could I possibly change now?