Chapter 14: Ultimately Missed

Because I had taken over the class that the principal used to teach, and the students’ English grades had generally declined, the pressure on Teacher Zhao was considerable. In a way, my perfect score was an acknowledgment of her teaching during that time, and she was so pleased that she not only let the matter go but even praised me. My anxious heart finally settled.

The days that followed were much the same as before. A few weeks later, the teacher rearranged several students’ seats, moving Liu Yunyi to the row in front of mine. Suddenly, I was left without the deskmate who often made me laugh, who lent me notes to copy when I couldn’t see the blackboard, and with whom I shared comic books in class. My heart felt empty.

After that, my deskmate changed several times, none lasting long, until the second semester of eighth grade, when Yin Yu became my deskmate, and from then until graduation, my seatmate remained the same.

During this time, Liu Yunyi became friends with a girl in our class. Her name was Zhu Lei—a name that sounded more like a boy’s. Zhu Lei was an excellent student; like me, she had scored a perfect hundred in both Chinese and math in the entrance exam. She was short and, to put it plainly, rather ordinary in appearance—short hair, slightly plump. In contrast to her appearance, Zhu Lei was exceptionally intelligent, ranking among the top in all four classes of our grade.

Liu Yunyi had a natural affinity with girls. He wasn’t particularly handsome, but he was very charming in conversation. Still, their friendship surprised everyone.

It wasn’t because of so-called puppy love. Though teachers didn’t approve and parents usually opposed it, it wasn’t uncommon for middle school students to date. It was just that no one expected these two to get together.

When I learned about it, I couldn’t quite describe how I felt—definitely not happy. I admit, I did have feelings for Liu Yunyi.

Later, in the first semester of ninth grade, Zhu Lei and Liu Yunyi broke up. I didn’t know why they split, just as I hadn’t understood why they got together in the first place.

During the high school entrance exams, Liu Yunyi didn’t get into No. 1 High School but rather was admitted to District No. 2 High School, which wasn’t a key provincial school. I thought I’d never see him again.

Unexpectedly, a little over two months after the start of our first year of high school, we had a new transfer student in our class. It was Liu Yunyi.

I can’t explain it—perhaps it was fate. Seeing a former classmate from middle school, once even my deskmate, I should have been happy. But we could never recapture the tacit understanding we once shared, that feeling of being able to talk about anything.

Before long, Liu Yunyi fit in well with the class, especially with our English class representative, Zhang Dongdong; they became like brothers. As for me, I remained almost invisible, with few friends.

What I never expected was that Liu Yunyi seemed to be pursuing me.

Or perhaps not quite. He never spoke to me directly, but often whispered about me with his friends in the classroom. I could rarely make out what they were saying.

Liu Yunyi sat diagonally two rows behind me. Sometimes, during study periods, he and the boys near him would make a commotion, even softly calling my name. When I turned around, he would say nothing, his face flushed.

Ah, I really couldn’t tell what he was up to...

And so it went—he never approached me. Nor did I ever take the initiative to speak to him, never giving any response.

Gradually, he stopped sitting in the back row with his friends, stopped whispering about me.

One day, I found out he was seeing a girl in our class. I didn’t feel unhappy—on the contrary, I felt a sense of relief.

Then one day, I overheard Liu Yunyi and Zhang Dongdong talking. This time, they didn’t bother to keep their voices down, so I heard everything clearly.

Zhang Dongdong said, “Do you still like her? Otherwise, why would you find a girlfriend whose name is so similar?”

Liu Yunyi paused for a few seconds and replied, “No, I don’t.”

After that, they said nothing more.

At that moment, I felt a sharp pain in my heart.

Indeed, his girlfriend’s name was Yu Lingyan—the initials matched mine exactly, and even the character "Ling" was in both our names.

But what did it matter?

Liu Yunyi had never confessed to me. I once thought that even if he had, nothing would have come of it.

What’s missed is missed. He was no longer the deskmate who delighted in making me laugh, and I was no longer the girl who couldn’t stop smiling at his mischief.

Everything was irretrievably lost.